Does this bike make my butt look big?

Math has never been my strong suit. In high school, I failed math twice and had to suffer the indignity of going to night school in order to make it up. I swore I would never touch another calculator again.

And while geometry, trigonometry and figuring out the tip are still way over my head, I at least thought I had the basics down.

But I now find myself stumped by a simple case of addition and subtraction.

The problem starts with the following real-world equation:

cookies + inactivity = big butt

I'm no scientist but I've read enough women's magazines to know that this formula is bulletproof.

Using deductive reasoning, the inverse conclusion must also be true:

carrots + cycling = tight ass

Taking it one step further, you might hypothesize that the amount of kilometres ridden would be in indirect proportion to the circumference of the booty. The more kilometers ridden, the smaller the butt area, right?

Well, something's not adding up. The more kilometers I put on my bike, the bigger my behind gets. And not in a good way.

Remember when I had the third biggest butt on the internet? Well, this time it's no joke.

Here's where the math gets confusing.

I have put 9,236 km on my commuter bike.


I have put 4,632 km on my racing bike.


9,236 km + 4,632 km = 13,868 km (thank you, built-in computer calculator)

I have ridden a whopping 13, 868 km over a four-year period. This is the equivalent of cycling clear across Canada -- two times over. It's farther than riding the entire length of Africa, from Cairo to Cape Town. It's five times the distance between Vancouver and Whitehorse. And yet, my bubble butt is as jiggly as jello.

After all I do for Mother Nature the least that ungrateful bitch could do is reward me with some buns of steel.

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Speaking of tight asses, my friend Don took it upon himself to post an unsolicited personal ad for me on his blog. The response has been underwhelming.