Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Romantically challenged

I have been single for a very long time. I would rather not be single but I'm having a tough time overcoming the following barriers:

1. I am attracted to gay men. I don't intentionally seek them out. It just happens that most of the guys I like turn out to be gay. It's gotten so bad that my gay friends use me as a human gayometer. Whenever a cute new guy joins the swim team, everyone comes running to me to find out if he's gay or straight: "If Sarah likes him, then you know he's gay." Seriously. Whatever the opposite of gaydar is, that's what I have. Perhaps I'd be better off presuming all men are gay until proven straight.

2. I am picky. I'm like a female Jerry Seinfeld. You know, the way Jerry finds something wrong with every woman he dates in order to break up with them: man hands, low talker, bad laugher. I have the same problem. I recently went out with someone who was textbook perfect. Gorgeous, smart and sexy as hell. His downfall? He agreed with everything I said. And I mean everything. It was like he had no opinions of his own. I would make stuff up just to test him ("Man, I love that new Nickelback song, don't you?"). I tried so hard to like him but I just couldn't get past how much of a wet noodle he was. Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm picky or just completely neurotic.

3. I don't like dating. I don't want to go out on lots of dates with lots of guys. It's like an endless stream of job interviews. The whole thing is totally unnatural and unbearably painful. You have to sell yourself. You have to be all charming and clever and perky and interesting. And while you're trying to dazzle your date with all of your wonderfulness, you also have to size him up at the same time. Is he boyfriend material? Is he the one? Is he seriously trying to pass himself off as 30 when he is clearly a decade older? Bleh. Who needs all that nonsense? After a long, stressful day at work, the last thing I want to do is go on a date with some random stranger. Besides, I like spending time alone (which is a whole other problem).

4. I live in Vancouver. My love life has disappeared ever since I moved to Vancouver. Coincidence? I think not. Let's review the evidence, shall we? In Toronto, I got hit on all the time (okay, so I was a teenager in a Catholic schoolgirl uniform but that's not the point). In Ottawa, I had more boyfriends than I knew what to do with. In Saint John, I was in a serious relationship a few months after moving there. In Vancouver, I may as well be dead for all the male attention I get here. Sorry, Vancouver. It's not me. It's you. Every time I leave this city, I have no problem meeting men (well, except for when I went to Japan. Now that was a dry spell).

5. I get all shy and awkward when I meet a guy I like. However, this is not such a big hurdle because: a) I don't meet guys I like very often (see barrier #2) and, b) they usually turn out to be gay anyway (see barrier #1).

It's frustrating because I truly believe I’m a great catch. If I were I guy, I would totally date me.

I hate making the first move but if the guys in Vancouver aren't going to come to me, well then I'm going to come to them. That's my bold new approach. Well, for now anyway.

I got a chance to try out my take-charge attitude at a press conference two weeks ago. I had my eye on the cute guy working the audio feed. I had met him at a press conference in the past but was too chicken to give him my number.

This time I wasn't going to waste the opportunity. So I walked over to where he was standing and chatted him up for a bit. He was just as funny and charming as he was the first time I met him.

But what really sealed the deal was when he started talking about his cat. There is nothing sexier than a man who likes cats.

I was completely charmed by the way he was going on and on about his cat.

And so I did something totally out of character. Something so bold and brazen I can hardly believe I actually went through with it . . . I gave him my business card.

[Interesting fact: The last time I gave a cute guy my business card, he turned out to be gay.]

Unfortunately, I wasn't very smooth about it. I had to screw up the courage to make the first move for a good 20 minutes. I was distracted the entire press conference thinking about how I would go about giving him my business card. The longer I thought about it, the more nervous I got. By the time the press conference was over, my heart was pounding and my hands were shaking.

I waited until he was packing up his equipment and was about to leave. I walked over to where he was standing, thrust my card in his hand and said:

"Here's my business card. For . . . whatever."

And then I ran away.

I know, I know. It was totally lame and ambiguous but that's not the point. I rarely do this sort of thing and I felt so proud of myself for taking a risk and putting myself out there.

Of course, he never did call or email me. With my track record, he’s probably gay anyway.

What am I doing wrong?


Ranternraver said...

hey sarah!
i fall for gay men all the time too - and i live in faraway india...

its not us...its...fate?

Sarah M. said...

Haha! I'm sure we're not the only ones...