Thursday, January 06, 2005
Dreaming of a fromage-free year
As far as stupid trends go, 2004 was filled with some of the worst. Here’s my top five list of the crap that is, like, so last year. Feel free to add your own.
1. Useless diets: Let’s see, there was the Atkins’ diet, the South Beach diet, the Dr. Phil diet, the Eat Like a French Girl diet, the salmon diet, and the high carb, no carb, red wine, macrobiotic, grapefruit diets too. Enough! Let me spell it out for you. If you consume more calories than you burn, you will gain weight. If you burn more calories than you consume, you will lose weight. Translation: eat smaller portions and exercise more. There. I’ve just saved you $30 and destroyed the entire diet book industry in one sentence.
2. Loser celebrities: So there’s this guy. This dorky civil engineering student at Berkley. On a lark, he decides to audition for American Idol (see photo above). He chooses to do a 90-second rendition of Ricky Martin’s “She Bangs.” Except he yells instead of sings (and somehow still manages to be off key). His hip gyrations are stiff and awkward. After a tongue-lashing by the judges, the guy responds with an earnest “I gave it my best.” Yes, it was hilarious. But the fact he was offered a record deal and even sang at a Blue Jays game wasn’t. Save the real goodies for the people who deserve it. Otherwise, we’ll have a lot more William Hungs and Paris Hiltons out there. And that’s not a world I want to live in.
3. Homely fashion: Ugg boots are just plain ugly and ponchos should have stayed mothballed in the ’70s. It’s fine to follow fashion trends, but people, please don’t forget to have a mind of your own. Ponchos are flattering on no one. They make you look pregnant. Wearing Ugg boots makes you look like a moron. We all know the only reason you’re wearing them at all is because status-obsessed celebrities have decided they were cool. If celebrities didn’t wear them, I’d bet you’d think they were ugly too. No more ugly fashion trends in 2005, please.
4. Half-assed reality TV: It’s no secret that I love reality TV. I’m addicted to the Amazing Race. But I don’t love how we’re bombarded with tired, lame repeats and knock-offs of shows that jumped the shark two years ago. No more Survivor. No more Bachelor. Please. Either make new shows or don’t bother at all. And if they shelf Arrested Development to make room for Big Brother Infinity, I’m going to cancel my cable.
5. General stupidity: Religious fundamentalism, widespread homophobia, George W. Bush, people who voted for George W. Bush, MTV programming, the carb craze. All dominated 2004. Seriously people, we’re supposed to be evolving, not regressing. Or was “The Regression of Species” the book Darwin forgot to write? We’re so much better than this.