And the winner is . . .

Wuzzam! This is the word that won the National Post’s coin-a-phrase contest.

I am not-so-secretly pleased that “wuzzam” won since it was conceived right here on my blog exactly nine months ago.

The proud father (er, author) is none other than Hot Rob. That’s right. Canada’s newest word was coined by a former catalogue model with a level of intellectual sophistication that rivals that of a drunken frat boy.

So what does wuzzam mean exactly? Technically speaking, it is a verb used as a response to a question indicating that you were and still are in the same condition. In other words, it’s a lazy way of saying “I was and still am.”

Here is an excerpt from the story in yesterday’s National Post, which (ahem!) credits my blog as the birthplace of Canada’s newest word:

You might remember the coiner of wuzzam from a Nov. 11, 2005 story under the headline "Beauty's burden: Would you date a man this hot?" Robert Funk is a 34-year-old former catalogue model who called a Vancouver radio station when he heard the hosts talking about people too good looking to get dates. Funk, a.k.a. "Hot Rob," said girls broke up with him because when he walks into a room "everyone notices me."

The radio station, Z95.3, decided to try and set Funk up with a lady who would see past his appearance. It turned into the station's most popular contest with many listeners registering their disgust over Funk's vanity. Normally, this would be where the story ended, but it so happened that one of those mocking Funk was blogger Sarah Marchildon. At the same time she was writing about how unhot Hot Rob was, she was also conducting her own coin-a-word contest.

His peanut butter fell into her chocolate, as it were, and, well, here's his post:

"Wuzzam: I was, still am and will continue to be what you heard about me. This is in direct response to the old 'has been' question: when people ask about your past. 'I heard you were a model.' The proper response is, 'Yes I was, and I still am (wuzzam).' There is only one exception to this word --ex-high-school football stars."

There you have it, not only is Robert Funk hot, but he is also witty.

Wuzzam.

My hot date with Hot Rob

How desperate is the dating scene in Vancouver? Hot Rob asked me out and I said yes. It doesn’t get much more dire than that.

Rob stumbled across my blog last fall after I wrote about what an arrogant ass he was here, here and here. But instead of being insulted, Rob complemented me on my sarcasm (which is funny because I wasn’t being sarcastic). We’ve been emailing each other ever since.

So when he invited me to a party this week, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to meet the man in the flesh. I was curious to find out if he really was the Adonis he said he was.

Before I go any further, I should probably back up a bit for those of you who don’t know who Hot Rob is.

Hot Rob is a 34-year-old former Sears catalogue model. His real name is Robert Funk. Last fall, Rob called a Vancouver radio station to complain that he had a hard time finding love because women were intimidated by his high level of hotness.

The whole thing was absurd. Especially because Hot Rob wasn’t all that hot. Or at least not nearly as hot as he thought he was.

Which is why it is so painful for me to admit that Hot Rob actually is kind of hot.* He looks nothing like he does in his photos. He is quite possibly the most unphotogenic person I have ever met (which probably explains why his modeling career tanked).

He is also funny, charming and self-deprecating. When I introduced him to my friend Annelle, he leaned across the table to shake her hand and said, "You’re the one who said I look like a gay flight attendant."

He even seemed a little embarrassed about the whole Hot Rob thing. Or at least he acted embarrassed about it.

"I don’t think I’m hot," he confessed over a beer. "I’m okay looking but I’m not hot. Not even close to hot."

So why phone a radio station to complain about being really, really, really good looking? He said he did it on a lark. And he wasn’t happy with the way the interviews turned out. "They edited it to make me sound like an arrogant jerk."

I didn’t buy his explanation and called him on it.

"But I heard you say you don’t like going to a restaurant on a first date because you know every woman in the place will be staring at you and then the woman you’re with gets all jealous and insecure," I said. "You said that. It came out of your mouth in one sentence. Are you trying to tell me that was edited?"

"Okay. Maybe that wasn’t edited," he laughed. He may be vain but at least he can laugh at his own vanity.

On the downside, Rob smokes and talks on his cell phone way too much.

On the upside, Rob is very close to his family. About two minutes after I met Rob, he introduced me to his father, his mother, his cousin, his brother and his brother’s girlfriend. He said they were all dying to meet me.

He wasn’t kidding. Rob’s family spent most of the night gushing over me. They acted as if I was the most fascinating person in the room. They treated me like a celebrity. They told me they loved what I wrote about Rob. I spent more time talking with Rob’s mom than I did with her son. She even gave me a big hug and invited me to a slumber party at her house.

It was so over-the-top that the first thing Annelle said to me after we left was "I can’t get over how much his family loves you. It’s kind of weird."

Now, in case you’re thinking that sparks are flying and Rob and I are about to head down the aisle, let me stop you right there. First of all, I don’t date models. Second of all, Rob has a girlfriend. They’ve been dating for three months. The best part? They met on a reality TV show.

Actually, that’s the reason we were at the bar in the first place. Rob and Katherine had invited everyone to watch the episode of Manhattan Matchmaker where they were set up on a blind date.

I’m happy Rob has finally found love. And I’m even happier it’s not with me. The Vancouver dating scene may be desperate but I’m not.

* Although I admit that Rob is not a bad looking guy, I would describe him as being more lukewarm than hot. He also has the same kind of eyes as Stephen Harper and Karla Homolka -- eyes so light blue they are almost colourless. While these eyes can be attractive in person, they usually look creepy in photographs.

Hunter S. Thompson, John Irving and . . . me?

So that's it then. I've nothing left to accomplish. Why? Because my name was mentioned in the same sentence as Hunter S. Thompson and John Irving in the Georgia Straight this week.

The man responsible for causing thousands of Straight readers to ask "Who the fuck is Sarah Marchildon?" is none other than Vancouver's Hot Rob.

Mr. Too Hot to Get a Date is the newspaper's City Single of the Week. The column is set up in a question and answer format and Hot Rob was asked that old chestnut, "If you could have a dinner party and invite any four people, dead or alive, who'd be coming?"

Rob's answer: Hunter S. Thompson, Sarah Marchildon, John Tesh and John Irving.

Okay, so the fact that Hot Rob also wants John Tesh to come to the dinner party throws his credibility into question. What's John Tesh going to do? Entertain us with some Christian music? Shudder.

Still, I am flummoxed and flattered to see my name in print alongside two of my literary heroes. I guess this means I can stop working on my novel. Actually, I haven't started writing my novel. But what's the point now? Hot Rob* thinks I'm the shit. I've nothing left to prove.

*Also, Robert's mom (hi, Sandra!) likes my blog. She emailed me to say she liked my "sarcastic" posts about Rob. She even invited me to her hot son's birthday party. But I couldn't go because I was in Montreal.

Too hot to get a date: Part III

Nearly two weeks after he said he couldn't find love because women were intimidated by his hotness, Robert finally scored last night.

It was a blind date, arranged by the Vancouver radio station that stepped in to help Robert with his affliction. Sherry, a 36-year-old stunner, was chosen to be Rob’s escort for the night (and by "escort" I don’t mean "hooker").

Like Robert, Sherry also bears the heavy burden of being really, really, really ridiculously good looking. But that’s not all they have in common. For example, they were excited to discover they both enjoy good restaurants. (Does this mean they’ve actually met people who enjoy bad restaurants?)

A reporter from the radio station tagged along and interviewed Robert and Sherry at various points during the evening. Those of us who tuned in to the radio this morning were treated to audio clips of the date.

Three drinks into the night, Robert had had just enough alcohol to impair his judgement: "She’s stunning."

Five drinks into the night, Sherry started to see a new side of Robert: "He’s definitely not as arrogant as he appears."

Switching from wine to tequila shooters, Sherry’s vision started blurring: "He looks a lot better in person."

("Um, Sherry," the reporter said, covering the mike with one hand. "That’s the bartender. Robert’s down there, lying on the floor.")

A bottle of beer in one hand and a rum and Coke in the other, Robert was writhing on the floor and yelling at the top of his lungs: "If my nickname is Hot Guy, her nickname needs to be Dynamica!"

Okay, so that’s not exactly how the date went down. The quotes were real but I took some creative liberty with the context in which they were said. I had to. The date was downright boring.

Robert and Sherry were smitten with each other. By the end of the night, phone numbers were exchanged and plans for a second date were in the works. It was a match made in botox heaven.

Who knew something that started off so shallow would have such a happy ending?

Too hot to get a date: Part II

Remember Robert? The guy who says he’s too hot to get a date? Well, the story just keeps getting better.

It turns out Robert is a former catalogue model. Yes, that’s right. A catalogue model.

Someone needs to tell Robert that being a former catalogue model is not a trump card you pull out when you’re trying to prove how hot you are. Just because you once wore waist-high nut huggers in the Sears catalogue does not mean you’re a supermodel. It’s like starring in a porn movie and calling yourself a serious actor.

The real reason Robert can’t get a date isn’t because he’s too hot, it’s because he’s a moron. In case you need further proof, read the hilarious expose on Robert in today’s National Post.

Just when you thought Robert couldn't sound like a bigger ass, he manages to do so with earnest, non-ironic quotes like this one:

"It’s hard always being the centre of attention, that’s what it boils down to," he explains. "Not every woman can handle it. It’s not that people come up and hit on me, it’s just the fact that when I walk into a room, everyone notices me. I stick out like a sore thumb. My last three girlfriends broke up with me. They didn’t like the attention."

He goes on to say he recently dyed his blond hair brown because "I don’t want people recognizing me from the Web site. I want to be able to carry on with my day-to-day life without hassles."

He doesn’t say what kind of hassles exactly. Perhaps he’s referring to the hassle of being outed as Vancouver’s biggest loser? Or the hassle of being a national laughing stock? Or does poor, deluded Robert still think he’s dealing with the hassle of being irresistible to women?

What’s even more incredible is the Vancouver radio station that first alerted us to Robert’s affliction has managed to find three women who actually want to go on a date with the guy.

The radio station is asking people to go to its website and vote for the woman who most deserves to go on a date with Robert. Personally, I’m voting for Daphne. She’s 37 and says her dream guy is between the ages of 25 and 37 with no kids and no desire to have any.

Hang on a second. She won’t date a guy a day over 37 but she’ll date someone 12 years younger than her? Lock your doors! There’s a wild cougar on the loose.

Anyway, the "winner" will be announced on Monday. Robert and the "lucky" lady will go on a date sometime next week. Maybe they can stay in and rent Zoolander.

Stay tuned for Part III.

Too hot to get a date

No, I’m not talking about myself. I’m talking about Robert.

Who’s Robert? Robert is a 33-year-old single guy living in Vancouver. Robert is hot. Maybe a little too hot. Apparently, Robert has a problem meeting women because of his high level of hotness.

Robert took the brave step of going public with his plight during a radio interview this week. Hot Rob explained he’s just a nice guy looking for love but women are intimidated by the fact that he’s really, really, really good-looking.

Exposing his sensitive side, Robert said he tries to shield women from the ugly side of his beauty. For example, he doesn’t like going to a restaurant on a first date because he knows every woman in the place will be staring at him. Drooling even. And the last thing he wants is for his date to feel jealous and insecure.

People don’t understand how hard it is to be so hot, he said.

Poor pretty Robert. It’s heartbreaking to think of him crying in front of the mirror, hot tears streaming down his flawless face, screaming "Oh God! Why did you have to make me so beautiful?"

Luckily for Robert, a Vancouver radio station is stepping in to help him with his affliction by "setting him up with someone who will see him not only for the hot guy on the outside but the hot one on the inside as well."

The radio station posted a picture of Robert on its website and is asking single women in Vancouver to email the station if they want to go on a date with the guy.

I admit it. I was intrigued. I mean, maybe Robert had a point. Maybe women were intimidated by his good looks. That can’t be an easy thing to live with. It’s tough being lonely, gorgeous or not.

And then I visited the radio station's website and saw what Robert actually looked like:

Robert’s not completely unattractive. But hot? Too hot to get a date? I don’t think so. Any lingering compassion I had for the guy vanished. He's not hot, he's delusional.

"He looks like a gay flight attendant," said my less diplomatic friend Annelle.

It’s ironic that the radio station is trying to find someone who doesn’t just judge him on his looks, yet its provides nothing about what’s on the inside. We know absolutely nothing about Robert other than the fact he thinks he’s hot. And that he uses way too much gel in his hair.

Lame guys like Robert are the reason Vancouver is filled with a disproportionate amount of single women. Do you people finally understand how dire the dating scene is out here?

Oh, and Robert, if you’re reading this (which you probably are because you seem like the kind of guy who googles himself regularly), I suspect you have a problem meeting women not because of your looks, but in spite of them.